The Cake I will Never Eat

I rarely meet someone like me and that is probably a good thing. I feel like I am one of those tube-like organisms that is constantly consuming and digesting at hyperspeed, never satiated, never slowing down, just material running from one end to the other. I have been practicing slowing down lately but of course, I am hyperfocused on slowing down which never really quite equates to truly slowing down. As an AuDHD person, I am insatiable and I know it. It is never enough or it is too much and then oops, it’s not enough again and on and on. “If I just learn everything there is to know about this one thing, I’ll figure it out and make the best, most efficient and effective decision.” - and I think this way about everything and of course, I never get enough information for obvious reasons. 

On the surface, to the unknowing person, I may look like a know-it-all, or an anxious wreck, or a faker. Or who knows, I don’t think people know what to make of it. I do, I am a rodent that needs to gnaw constantly. I used to tell my parents this as a kid, my brain needs to chew. If I don’t have something interesting to hyperfous/chew on, I will gnaw on myself, on existence itself, I will glitch. So I keep gnawing and building and building and learning and adding and learning and adding. But do I ever sit down and enjoy what I have built? How? When I am “run by a motor” as they say about ADHD, I can’t turn it off, I just need to find a steady source of material to chew on. And it’s true, I am constantly on the go, and if I am not on the go, I am practicing not being on the go which is really being on the go in a different way if you know what I mean. 

What I have learned is this: It doesn’t matter what I build, it will never be enough. I will never have built enough to slow me down or to feel satisfied. That is not how I am built. I don’t eat what I make, I just make. And make and make and make. And tire, rest for a second, only to make more and more… AuDHD to me can be summed up as follows: Analyzing, doing, seeking more data, analyzing, doing.... Over and over and over again. To a non-AuDHD’er, this must look weird, why build and chew and build and chew and never sit down and eat what you put so much effort into? And it’s a fair question.