Spiky Interests And Navigating A Weird Human Existence

It is said of Autistic people that when we love something, we LOVE it and there is no in between. I suppose I am a victim of this as I truly only obsess about something or I am clueless about it. It really baffles people when they talk to me since I rarely know about current events or much about pop culture, current or past. I can’t name many popular movies or plotlines of said movies or even remark on much of the shared experiences of my generation (millenials). Why? Because my mind is usually elsewhere, deep in the details of something that almost no one shares interest in and therefore, almost no one will ever ask me about.

One thing I learned early in life was to steer my obsessions to things that I deemed were “productive.” This included make-up then punk rock then piercings then indie movies then philosophy and so on. I generally have a couple special interests active at a time and some are quite long standing (psychology for eg). I find usefulness interesting in and of itself and therefore, it has been a requirement of my SpIns, I will usually not show interest in something that won’t benefit me or others in some way. This may be due being dopamine seeking so I basically kill two birds with one stone by keeping my SpIns useful/beneficial in some way because that is “rewarding” which ultimately gives me dopamine (which I lack due to ADHD). Throw me into a situation where I don’t have access to my SpIns and I will experience symptoms similar to depression and anxiety. Luckily, my SpIns tend to be readily available as with psychology, if I can’t psychoanalyze others, I can read about psychology or psychoanalyze myself (and then write blog posts about it, hence = usefulness). 

One thing I have learned about assessing Autism is that we are all different and, as my assessor aptly pointed, I AT LEAST have OCD traits if not full blown OCD and OCPD. So, I am a little different than an autistic person who isn’t obsessed about perfection and productivity and efficiency. I mean, we Autistics tend to like symmetry and perfection to a certain extent but I take it to another level, clinically! So my SpIns tend to have an OCD/OCPD slant to them as I do want to be successful all the time while also living the best life ever and I am constantly obsessing about this in some fashion. I do keep myself in check though and meditation/yoga/philosophy/self-reflection helps to keep me balanced and not falling into deep, maddening extremes (which I naturally would do without these interventions). 

So I am a lopsided person in many ways. I can’t have normal conversations because I usually don’t know what pop culture reference some person is referring to or I have no idea about politics and current events because politics has never been a SpIn in any shape or form for me. But I have found ways to still connect with others and communicate in my own ways, usually through videos and playing games and philosophizing or talking about one of my SpIns that is shared with the other person. It may seem obvious but I usually don’t have much to say to allistic people due to the lack of intensity of their SpIns which usually leaves me bored and without much to contribute. I know not all autistic people like this but I sure am. It’s an odd existence to be sure but I am the way I am.