Mindfulness & AuDHD

Many people with ADHD describe feeling like they are driven by a motor and a constant need to go, go, go. Perhaps in an “opposites attract” type situation, I have always been drawn to peacefulness, quietness, stillness and I have been an avid student of meditation and mindfulness.

Being an avid student does not mean meditation and mindfulness come easy to me because it is quite the opposite. I feel like I spend most of my time running away from the present moment instead of allowing myself to be in it. Sitting still is something that takes great practice for me to do. Left to my own devices, I simply run around doing everything I possibly can until I am too tired to push forward. Then I wake up and do it all over again.

Today it is cold and raining and there isn’t anywhere to go. My AuDHD brain takes this as a threat to its very existence. I am on the go and I need somewhere to go! Writing this post is a compromise for my brain, I am sitting down yet I am “doing something” so the ADHD side of my brain can let go for a bit. Although I am a longtime student of meditation and mindfulness, when I think about sitting and just “being” right now, there is immediate resistance. “We” don’t have time for that, my brain says. We have so much to do. If we lay down, we’ll be missing out. 

This is an old story that my brain has been telling since before I can remember. Today it is not as compelling. My work week is over, my children are occupied. I can take time and do less and just be. I can watch the rain fall and wonder about life or simply let my thoughts come and go. Isn’t sitting and enjoying these sweet little moments of life what it is all about, anyway? Otherwise, why am I running around? For what purpose if not to get a chance to enjoy some of this stuff. 

Wise people tell us that this life passes by too fast and we should try to savor it. Afterall, these are the only moments we’ll ever get. It’s hard to embody this as someone with a non-stop motor but I feel it in my bones that it is true. So sometimes, when it rains, when life gets a little slower, when I get reminders of the fleetingness of life, I remember to slow down and actually be here for a little while.