I Can't Be Friends With *Most* "Neurotypical" People

To be perfectly honest, I cannot easily trust neurotypical (and allistic, specifically) people because I don’t know how to trust and understand someone who has hidden meanings and messages in their words. I am not trying to judge neurotypical people here, I am just stating a fact that has proven true over and over again.

I’ve tried my whole life and there is no way. There is no way I can tolerate and interact willingly with people who uphold the tenets of neurotypicality and perform them well. The hierarchies, the gossiping, the doublespeak, and judgment. I can’t do it. I am sure there are neurodivergent people who participate in this as well but the difference is, when you are neurodivergent in some way, and I mean this using the most inclusive definition of neurodivergent, you’ve been forced to face the fact you will never be able to seamlessly perform neurotypicality. And I want to only be around people who have come to reckon with that realization in some fashion.

I have lived my whole life pretending to be one of them and I am so tired. I am tired of trying and failing, always missing the mark and wondering why. Thinking if I just try harder, I will achieve the dream of fitting in and being accepted. The irony is that the only times I’ve actually felt accepted are when I let go and found people and communities that accepted me for who I am: a stimming, socially awkward, confused, obsessive weirdo Autistic person.

Perhaps there are neurotypical people out there who could get it. Who could put themselves in neurodivergent people’s shoes and vicariously learn what it’s like to be on the outside. To me, that sounds like a lot of work to educate them in order to sustain a friendship. And it’s not like they gravitate toward me anyway, at least, not for long.

I can see it in their eyes early, they catch that something’s off. I didn’t ask them about their weekend or maybe I fidgeted too much. Maybe I missed some social cue that I can’t even recall because I literally can’t know what I don’t know. But I know that look. And I am tired of it. I am tired of guessing and trying to fix myself to do better next time. So why not call a spade a spade?